Movies have been featuring more and more of these feisty femmes fatales in recent years. And they’re not just assassins. The lineup includes an alien, a boxer, vampires, a CIA agent, a soldier, a computer hacker and one plucky warrant officer. To honor these women, yours truly has compiled a list of the Top 13 Female Butt Kickers, aka the Dirty Baker’s Dozen.
Women’s rights have been taking a beating recently with some self-righteous types trying to bring back a bygone era when a woman’s place was in the kitchen, preferably barefoot and pregnant.
That’s not likely to happen considering women have made advancements in all professions, including ones that involve beating the pulp out of self-righteous types. These would be hit men, or should that be hit women?
Movies have been featuring more and more of these feisty femmes fatales in recent years. And they’re not just assassins. The lineup includes an alien, a boxer, vampires, a CIA agent, a soldier, a computer hacker and one plucky warrant officer.
All of them are quite capable of — and in many cases don’t mind at all — inflicting serious damage to an adversary’s health.
To honor these women, yours truly has compiled a list of the Top 13 Female Butt Kickers, aka the Dirty Baker’s Dozen.
Criteria for inclusion entail body count, style and overall ferocity. Omissions are sure to be made, of course, either because of space constraints or brain malfunctions. Simply email me your favorite female masher.
Now, watching women behave like killing machines may not be your idea of women’s liberation. Some might even call these films exploitive since many of these actresses wear apparel that accentuates their, well, daring airs.
Let’s just say these movies depict women not as damsels in distress but Eves of destruction.
The actresses are listed in alphabetical order.
KATE BECKINSALE: In the “Underworld” films, this British actress plays Selene, a vampire warrior also known as a Death Dealer. And, true to her name, she deals out a lot of death with werewolves serving as her primary victims. Wouldn’t you like to see Selene go mano a mano with Bella of “Twilight” infamy? Cue the Blondie song “Rip Her to Shreds.”
GINA CARANO: Now here’s someone who can really kick your butt. Texas-born Carano gained fame as a mixed martial arts fighter and demonstrates her derriere-drubbing prowess in “Haywire.” In the film, she plays Mallory Kane, a covert operations specialist who doesn’t appreciate being betrayed. She administers pain with panache and looks fabulous doing it. In one scene, she chases down and pulverizes a bad guy just because she can. All you potential boyfriends out there, cheating on Carano might not be wise.
PAM GRIER: In such 1970s blaxploitation films as “Coffy,” “Foxy Brown,” “Friday Foster” and “Sheba, Baby,” this black actress combines sexuality and violence into a deadly mix. Even her hair acts as a weapon. Grier’s career received a shot in the arm, rather than a shot to the head, when Quentin Tarantino cast her in the title role in “Jackie Brown” in 1997.
Page 2 of 3 - NATASHA HENSTRIDGE: In “Species,” this Canadian former model plays Sil (and Eve in subsequent films), an alien seductress who definitely doesn’t practice safe sex. French-kissing Sil can be particularly hazardous as her tongue has been known to go straight through the recipient’s head. I hate when that happens.
ANGELINA JOLIE: This American actress, who is married to some guy named Brad, has made a career out of kicking butt. She plays a gun-slinging adventurer in the “Lara Croft” films, an assassin in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” and a CIA agent in “Salt.” She is not a woman to be trifled with. Imagine what kind of discipline Jolie dispenses to her children at home. “Kids, if you don’t behave right now, Mommy is going to pistol-whip you.”
MILLA JOVOVICH: In the “Resident Evil” films, this former model originally from the Ukraine plays Alice, a soldier with amnesia issues. She also has issues with zombies whom she obliterates with extreme prejudice. The music channel VH1 dubbed Jovovich “the reigning queen of kick-butt.” Watch a “Resident Evil” film and you’ll see why. Jovovich also shows a penchant for wearing clothes that wouldn’t please Mother Superior.
CHLOE GRACE MORETZ: Though she’s only 15, this American actress has easily exterminated enough ne’er-do-wells to last her into adulthood. Most of the carnage takes place in the aptly titled “Kick-Ass,” where she plays Hit-Girl, and “Let Me In,” where she plays Abby, a vampire who befriends a bullied young boy. She gives the bullies a piece of her mind as she tears their bodies to pieces. But it’s as Hit-Girl where Moretz really makes her mark. It just happens to be splattered with blood. She may also be the only young actress to utter the seldom heard “C” word. Yes, it’s yet another film espousing traditional family values.
ANNE PARILLAUD: In “La Femme Nikita,” this French actress doesn’t act particularly ladylike. In fact, her Nikita is an excessively hostile and vicious cop killer. Instead of going to jail for life, however, she’s trained to become a government assassin. Hey, when you’re given lemons, you make lemonade. Just add a touch of arsenic.
NOOMI RAPACE: In “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” and its successors, this Swedish actress plays Lisbeth Salander, a computer hacker whose byte is worse than her bark. Crossing her is like messing with a rabid Tasmanian devil.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ: This Texas-born actress has been whooping behinds ever since her debut as a boxer in “girlfight.” Looking to cast a “tough chick”? Look no further than Rodriguez. Of course, if you call her a “chick,” she might knock your teeth out.
SAOIRSE RONAN: In “Hanna,” this Irish actress plays the title character who’s trained by her father to be the perfect assassin. She doesn’t let daddy down. It would be fun to watch Hanna square off against Jason Bourne. There would be blood.
Page 3 of 3 - UMA THURMAN: In “Kill Bill: Vol. 1,” this former American model plays The Bride, an assassin who gets mildly annoyed when her wedding rehearsal gets interrupted by gunfire. When she wakes up from a coma, she trades in her bouquet for a samurai sword and exacts some serious vengeance, including slicing and dicing 88, count ‘em, 88 bad guys.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: In the “Alien” movies, this American actress plays Ellen Ripley, a warrant officer who proves adept at dispatching creatures with deadly dentures. Unlike most of the movies on this list, the first two “Alien” movies can be considered classics, and Weaver deserves much of the credit, playing a heroine who has no interest in being one. Yet Ripley is nothing if not resourceful. Just don’t get her maternal instincts riled. She utters one of cinema’s great lines of wrath when a female creature threatens a little girl in “Aliens.” “Get away from her, you (female dog)!” Ripley yells. The creature doesn’t listen. Bad career move.
Honorable mention nods go to Juliette Lewis in “Natural Born Killers,” Kathy Bates in “Misery,” Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct,” Charlize Theronin “Monster,” Reese Witherspoon in “Freeway,” Melanie Laurent in “Inglourious Basterds,” Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon in “Thelma & Louise,” Scarlett Johansson in “Iron Man 2,” Miranda Otto in “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” and virtually every female character in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.”
Contact Bob Tremblay at 508-626-4409 or at firstname.lastname@example.org.